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The *real* weapons of mass destruction...

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  • Forever The Stranger
    Denizen of Moo Uria
    • Dec 2003
    • 109

    The *real* weapons of mass destruction...

    It's hard to believe that the Pentagon website has this surprisingly
    un-PC sub-section listing of some more obscure WMD's (Weapons of Mass
    Destruction): The following is a list of more obscure forms of domestic
    "Band" Weapons of Mass Destruction. These are the most insidious and
    dangerous weapons of all. To the common lay person they appear innocuous
    and non-lethal, but in the right hands they present a threat of
    incalculable proportions. Please read the following and heed all
    precautions therewith.

    PICCOLO- The minute dimensions of this weapon make it especially lethal
    as it is easily concealed and can be set off just about anywhere. As a
    solo weapon this device emits a high pitched squeal that directly
    targets the inner ear. The application of this tone temporarily
    disorients its intended victim rendering him unable to react. The
    natural reaction of covering one's ears to reduce the intense pain
    causes military personnel within a 100 yard radius to drop their weapons
    leaving them defenseless to further attack. Applied in concert with a
    second piccolo of slightly higher or lower pitch, the weapons produce
    the effect of an ice pick through the eardrum and may cause profuse
    bleeding of the aural cavity. These weapons are constructed in 3 forms;
    metal, composite materials, wood, or any combination of the three. The
    all metal piccolos are especially lethal. The only countermeasure to
    this weapon is to apply psychological warfare in the following manner.
    Compliment the musician on her: Clothes Hair Shoes. This will distract
    the musician(s) from emitting her deadly tones and cause her to gab
    endlessly about herself. This in itself takes us to another problem man
    has dealt with for a thousand years and to which there is no antidote.
    Good Luck!

    FLUTE- Slightly less effective as the piccolo but still nothing to be
    trifled with. The flute possesses the same destructive qualities as the
    piccolo but is required in greater numbers to do so. 6th and 7th grade
    females are especially effective with this weapon and are to be
    approached with extreme caution.

    OBOE- This weapon may appear harmless at first sight. The instrument's
    stealth qualities lure its intended victims into a false state of
    security, and then hit you without mercy. The oboe itself is a harmless
    composite or wooden conical tube. Once the ordnance(reed) is inserted,
    it is a weapon of tremendous power. One comforting factor is that the
    oboe is only as dangerous as the musician who wields it. At first glance
    the operator of the oboe appears sweet and demure and quite
    approachable. Do not be fooled by this technique of deception. The
    oboist is actually a very high strung and temperamental foe. This is
    caused by the perpetual search for the perfect reed, which we all know
    doesn't exist. Those who play on plastic reeds are the bottom dwellers
    of the oboe world and especially dangerous. The oboe is capable of
    producing a tone of laser-like quality. The sheer capabilities of volume
    produced can overpower an entire concert band. The resulting back
    pressure produced by over blowing has a two way effect. It allows the
    musician to play seemingly forever on one breath resulting in
    sympathetic vibrations causing bullet proof glass and diamonds to
    shatter into deadly flying shards. The warning signs of impending doom
    occur when the musician raises the body of the instrument to her mouth
    to blow dust from under a key. This is how the weapon is cocked. If you
    ever see an oboist do this run for cover my friend for all Hell is about
    to break loose. The second effect of this weapon's back pressure is to
    cause its owner to eventually go insane. On rare occasion an oboist's
    head has been known to explode while firing their weapon. The only
    countermeasure to this weapon is to remove and professionally destroy
    the ordnance (reed). Doing so will also incur the wrath of its owner, so
    use extreme caution. The first master of the oboe as a weapon was Melvin
    "Schwartz" (Oklahoma All-State Band 1982), name changed to protect the
    guilty. He single handedly destroyed a performance of the Howard Hanson
    Romantic Symphony Finale under McBeth with his laser-like tones and
    inconsistent attacks. To this day he has a bounty on his head and was
    last seen tending bar in Tijuana.

    Eb CLARINET- The Eb clarinet is the Tasmanian Devil of the woodwind
    family. Entirely uncontrollable and unpredictable, its blunderbuss like
    emissions can occur without warning. It is as much a danger to its owner
    as it is to the intended victim. For this reason the Eb clarinet is not
    in wide use today and only used by highly trained professionals and
    circus band daredevils.

    Bb CLARINET- As the flute is to the piccolo, the Bb Clarinet is to the
    Eb Clarinet. The only time a Bb clarinet is considered truly dangerous
    is in the hands of a saxophonist doubling on clarinet. His seemingly
    lacking ability to adjust his air to the clarinet causes a tone so
    forced and horrific that decorum prevents me from continuing.

    ALTO, BASS, CONTRA BASS CLARINET- The Scud missiles of the clarinet
    family. Considered to be low grade weapons, these clarinets are of
    limited lethality due to the geekiness of their operators.

    BASSOON- This is a weapon designed to start wars. Used primarily
    indoors, this weapon's unique tone can cause great embarrassment in
    social situations. Also known as the "farting bed post" the bassoonist
    will hide behind a set of curtains at an official state dinner or
    similar function. With the help of a diplomatic operative during the
    meal, the intermittent flatulent tones emitted by the bassoon can be
    blamed on certain visiting high government officials, causing great
    embarrassment and the possible beginning of hostilities between two
    countries. The best countermeasure to the bassoon involves lighter fluid
    and matches (you fill in the blanks).


    ALTO SAX- Originally invented by Adolph Sax as the result of an evening
    of much cheap wine and a dare by a drunken horn player, he produced an
    instrument that is neither brass nor woodwind. The only intended victim
    of this vile weapon is the concert band French horn player. Nothing is
    worse than hearing a great brass lick only to be obscured by the overly
    reedy tone and wobbly "vibrato" of some half crazed alto sax doubling
    the horns and overplaying them. Composers and arrangers are to blame as
    much as the alto players. Older players unable to temper their 1940's
    swing band vibrato are also a danger. The only counter measure is to
    question their manhood by daring the player to play Charlie Parker's
    "Donna Lee" at 230 beats per minute. That should shut 'em up!

    TENOR SAX- (See Alto Sax) Counter measure, throw down the gauntlet with
    a dare to render John Coltrane's "Giant Steps".

    BARITONE SAX- A tenor or alto wannabe, this instrument is flaccid and
    harmless unless played in the style of Stephen "Doc" Kupka (Tower of
    Power). His sporadic well placed grunting and punctuated style, when
    discovered by young players, can cause discomfort among the average
    school director. The only counter measure to this is self medication by
    the teacher in the form of tequila shots or similar substances.

    TRUMPET- Obviously one would think that a trumpeter's greatest weapon is
    his ability to play high notes at great volume. This is a misconception
    that has been perpetuated unwittingly by great performers like Maynard
    Ferguson and Dizzy Gillespie. The danger is not in the player who can
    play high. The danger lies in the player who THINKS he can play high. A
    young player's incessant caterwauling and inflated ego are a danger to
    himself and all those around him. The best effective counter measure is
    to allow the player to continue his high note practice (even encourage
    him to go higher and louder) until his lips explode or he cracks a tooth
    jamming his face into the mouthpiece.

    FRENCH HORN- French horns,thankfully, are a danger only to a small group
    of people, as their bells point in the wrong direction. They are only a
    danger to those unfortunate enough to have to sit behind them. Their
    intonation problems and constant cacking of pitches is of great
    annoyance to those brass players sitting behind them. Though lately the
    introduction of plexiglass reflectors has reduced the danger to those
    behind the horns, unfortunately it presents a greater danger to the
    players themselves and those in front of them. Upon hearing their actual
    tones coming back at them, some hornists have been known to actually
    puke right on stage due to the hideousness of their own tone.

    TROMBONE- A unique application, the instrument itself is not the real
    danger. The person playing the instrument is what is truly dangerous.
    The trombone and its player are the original "smart bomb". This weapon
    is most effective in high tech warfare areas. Insertion of one or more
    trombonists into a warfare computer center instantly lowers the
    aggregate I.Q. in the room. The trombonist's incredible stupidity is a
    lethal bio weapon that spreads at an incredible rate. Within 5 minutes
    of exposure all computer operators within a 50 foot radius are reduced
    to drooling idiots incapable of the simplest motor functions and bowel
    control. Use of trombonists as weapons was outlawed by the Geneva
    Convention in 1999 after an ugly incident at a Dixieland convention in
    BARITONE/EUPHONIUM- This is a weapon of mass confusion. Euphonium
    players are the Rodney Dangerfields of the brass world. Young players
    especially don't know their place in the band. They double French horns,
    trombones, saxophones, tubas in octaves, bass clarinets,
    bassoons...yadda, yadda, yadda! Euphonium orchestral parts are played by
    the 2nd trombone or worse, the tuba player! For this reason most
    euphonium.........baritone...(WHATEVER !) players resort to doubling on
    trombone. This is when they become dangerous. (see trombone).

    TUBA- This is a sonic weapon that when set off can produce sub sonic
    tones causing a general feeling of uneasiness and queasiness to those
    within its effective range. Also one may attach a sousaphone to a
    marching column of soldiers. As all tubists drag, the ever slowing
    performance of um-pahs will eventually reduce the marching soldiers to a
    snail's pace causing them to be late for a battle or not arrive at all.
    The most effective countermeasure is to feed the tubist with great
    quantities of beer (imports if you have them). It won't improve his
    playing but makes him more enjoyable to be around.

    SNARE DRUM/TRAP SET- This weapon affects only a very small demographic:
    teenage girls and the fathers of these girls with steady jobs and liquid
    bank accounts. The snare drummer and the jazz/rock variety of set player
    act almost like a computer worm. The drummer will attach itself to an
    unsuspecting teenage girl and milk her and her father's finances in such
    a way as to not be noticed by the father until it is too late. Drummers
    are the leaches of the music world and can only be countered by being
    forced to get a real day job. This will reduce the drummer's "coolness"
    factor and the daughter will immediately lose interest.
  • VonWeiner
    Eternally Confused
    • Jan 2004
    • 950

    Very good Forever!

    At first I thought "PICCOLO" was some euphemism for a weapon they had developed. I remember all the PSY-OPS stuff they had in the military (my wife was trained in it) and it sounded like that at first.

    Funny :lol:
    When they had advanced together to meet on common
    ground, then there was the clash of shields, of spears
    and the fury of men cased in bronze; bossed shields met
    each other and the din rose loud. Then there were
    mingled the groaning and the crowing of men killed and
    killing, and the ground ran with blood.

    Homer, The Illiad