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  • #31
    Once upon a time, there lived a boy that lived in utter despair. Every morning he would eat his breakfast and forget his pills. One morning he saw his Guardian Angel with a minister from the government. He pulled out a Turkey and Fed them both. They then proceeded to praise his generosity. But with a gesture of his hand, he stopped them and said, "Screw, you two. Think about the Pants that will unfold if you continue to cheat your way into the next level!"
    "The kid is Fat!" said the angel. "The Atkins Group and the Richard Simmons Foundation will be very Angry! We must tell the president that the army of alien spaceships is going to invade!"
    "Why should we tell him that?" asked the government minister, who was drunk and reeked of weed. "The fucker will only laugh and ask me to get high with him, and there's nothing we can do about the aliens, so let's just go back to the Whitehouse and burn those incriminating documents before the President wakes up and starts telling people what to do again."
    "Now, that would be a great idea, but the Vice-President is lurking about and we all know he runs the government, no matter what the President says" The guardian angel strecthed out his wings and walked over to the window. "I miss Clinton. He always smiled and he always loved a good cigar. We had so much fun watching him from the heavens. Ah good times, good times." he said. "Oh well, no time to reminisce, we have to Empty our Bowels right away", the Angel said. "If we don't have a movement then the Balance of good and evil will be shifted forever." He then removed his robe to reveal a beautiful, golden, pair of buttocks. At this, the boy and the Minister decided not to tell him that they were in the wrong place, as the angel seemed so proud of his anatomy. Then the boy led the angel away to the bathroom while the Minister made some tea in the kitchen.
    "Damn, I forgot my special anus wiping apparatus!" said the angel, as he Pulled his slacks back on. The minister came out of his daydreams with a start and some mild flatulence followed. "Who cares?" he said. As everyone in the room eyed him as if he had grown a third eye. "Enough of this", he shouted. "I've got better stuff buried in my garden, and besides, If we go to the pentagon afterwards we'll most certainly find you a person who can see your anus." "But drugs are too expensive." said the boy. "If we go to the thrift store we can try on the psychadelic trousers with the swirly pockets and scare all of the stupid old squares with our incredibly funky trousers." The minister, who actually had grown a third eye, pulled a bottle of bug-powder dust from his pocket and threw it in the boy's eyes. The angel was scandalized and threw up his golden buttocks. The minister spoke quickly into a hidden star trek communicator and proceeded to be beamed up into space!
    "Well, I'll be a Dingo" said the boy. "He wasn't a Cool collected business man after all, he was a Small furry creature who enjoyed Halibut snadwiches while listening toa chorus of monkeys, singing the Belgium National Anthem"
    "Indeed, said the Angel, apparently he liked to play mini-golf in the mornings with the chinese secret agents from Russia and would engage in nefarious plots of a hamster-loving nature."
    "Well, I heard he likes to do the tango in the buff with Captain Kirk and some Ottakars book-monkeys." said his mother, who had entered the room and was now staring longingly at the Angels firm, golden buttocks, protruding from a slit in his robe.
    The boy's mother rubbed her large, wooden chest suggestively and asked the Angel, "Could you bend over a while while I sew that up for you?" The Angel stared at her for some time and said, "Is that a euphanism? Because I'm not from around here, you know."
    The boy, totally freaked out, because he knew that time was short and eggs was eggs, went to the toilet to kill some flies with his evil-acid urine. The boy's mother shouted after him: "Don't clean out your eyes with the ice pick, or you'll go blind!!" The Angel was feeling sexed-up about the whole weapons of mass destruction situation. The large, wooden chest began to glow, and shook violently. Mom looked over at the Stunning example of lithe female ingenuity known coloquially as 'The Blender and asked "Could this be used to dis-inergrate a small colony of pygmies? and thus saving the entire population of Peking from the ravages of Genital Warts?"
    The Boy and the Angel grabbed each other and started to wrestle each other in a completely asexual and comradely way "Oh Thats a nice way to get introduced in a non-homoerotic way"
    "Well," said angel, "We Angels are completley lacking in all forms of tofu or soya based products"
    Mom gazed at him in bewilderment, "But I thought you had huge shares in the meat substitute industry in the far east." she began, "And that you enjoyed turning yourselves, into willing female slave labourers for minimum pay,"
    "Common misconception," commiserated Angel, as he took out his thick, silky, wallet of heavenly-goodness and began to flip through the pictures, until he arrived at one of the meat processing plants operating in southern China. "Actually, heaven runs the slaughterhouses over in China and North Korea, in return for silly kung-fu movies from the Silly Kung-Fu Movie Corp. Ltd., LLC - with extra-silly dubbing in spanish, of course." "Let me show you this highly distinguished chinaman which I keep concealed in this pocket that came from a small region of nepal, covered in part by dense forest and completely lacking in any kind of literary sub-culture and an all prevading sense of their own mortality." The Angel carefully replaced his china doll and gave him a million yen for his sterling work in crushing communism in the name of god and all that is most holy and then said to the boy, "Why don't you phone the samaritans while your mom and I discuss the price of oil and other commodities while negotiating strenuously with the american government for a reduction in the price of duck-billed platypuss over there."
    "Fine said the boy," Turning to leave, "May I inquire as to what that small team of korean paramilitaries with venereal diseases is doing in the corner and when will the imaginary gnomes be coming to dress me as it's getting pretty cold standing here like an endangered lemur that has been taken from it's natural habitat by mid-eighteenth century greedy western fur traders, caught tuberculosis, been shot, stuffed by an unqualified taxidermist, put in a shoddy local museum, and then humped by a small terrier with a goldfish fetish and pretending to be a very important historical artefact while partaking in a relevant form of documentary making with a full supporitng cast of nudists and hippies?
    By the way, do you like my mother in a platonic way or merely enjoy casual sex?"
    "Why, the ---, of course," said the angel. "We angels ---, and although this is often misconstrued as ---, we always ---"
    Upon hearing this ---, the boy's mother ---!