StarScream's addition to the DGB

[VonWeiner]

Excellent, excellent Ms. Scream.

Well written and a pleasure to read. Your writing really "flows" across the page (if that makes sense). Very nice descriptions

Can't wait to see more! :D

VW

[Doc]

I'm really glad you posted that. You're writing is really assured, and you're very consistent in your tone. There were only a few places that it read like an early draft. More importantly, I really liked the story and characters you have created. They're true to many of MM's ideas, but also very much your own.

Keep it coming!

[Starscream]

Thanks for the comments you two :D

And yea, Im sure theres still a few rough spots in what I posted. Its an ongoing process with my stuff. Ive actually tweeked it here and there a bit since I posted it last night. Im also pondering how best to show Alarics further training. If I dont do it just right it will slow the pace down and this story has to get moving. But if I dont present it enough, it wont make any sense. Hehe did that make any sense? :P If theres any part that really stands out to you not working bring it up. I enjoy critique on my work.

Alaric (though he had a different name in the game. Alaric stands for 'All Ruler' by the way) is someone I created and RPd for 12+ years. When my DM and I made the connection between he and the EC series (Elric) it was all done retrosptively (put in after he was drawn up and been in the game for a few short weeks). When I decided to put it to paper so to speak (which has been on ongoing suggestion by a lot of players for some time now), I have the joy if fitting it all together from the beginning. Ive also got a lot of games and events to corrolate and fit together. How some things went in the game wont flow well in story form in some aspects.

I thank you for the comments on the characters. Jagged Im winging. Its been years since Ive read the Dancers series and Im going from poor memory at best wtih him :P

Now as for why Arioch is there as his less powerful(?) form of Jagged? And why would he take such interest as to personally train this Mebnibonean? ;) ;) Ya just gonna havta stay tuned . . .

[Doc]

The only thing that took me out of the story was actually because of the D&D connection, when a cleric was brought in as a healer. It seemed to be too RPG derivative. Maybe just a healer?

That's really the only thing that stands out in my mind that was at all out of place. For what it's worth, I think you're pacing it right. I think that interesting characters always have more interesting stories. Maybe it's good that you only remember a little of Jagged, as it will probably allow you to simply capture his essence, which is probably more important than getting all of the details accurate.

I really do hope you keep writing.

[Starscream]

D'OH!!! *slaps self in forehead* oh man... I completely missed that!!!!!!!!! ROFL THANKS !!! for bringing that to my attention. Wow I dont believe I let kept that mindset when I described the healer :P *must remind self its not a game Im writing stories from right now*

And I agree with what you said about Jagged. If I remembered him totally that might hinder me in some way.

[Starscream]

'Cleric' has now been removed ^_^

[Grey Mouser]

I really enjoyed the segment of your Alaric tale Starscream. If you've been RP'ing Alaric for 12+ years it's understandable the occasional RPG reference may subconsciously slip in. It would be almost instinctive to think in those terms after so long perhaps.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the comments. Ive got a decent bit past that point and really need to post it but Im having serious issues with my Bill Gates aneurysm of a computer and its working randomly. And my story is on the PC......as I said on the other thread, Im also having some serious second thoughts about some of what Ive structured in the world and plot. Course working it out is a pain because of the PCs problems...guess I need to break out the notepad and pen and do it the hard way. . .

[VonWeiner]

Starscream, I am back online after a long hiatus. I am sorry if you thought you lost me as a friend and confidant.

You can send me an email at [email protected] and I will give you my home email address.

Again, sorry for not staying in touch.

Your friend,

Dave