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Dialogue sample for comment

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  • Dialogue sample for comment

    <<Removed>>
    Last edited by devilchicken; 09-14-2006, 07:23 PM.
    Batman: It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.

    Robin: Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes!

  • #2
    Not bad, a good way to introduce a problematic.

    When the humans put the City of Mirrors was put to the torch;
    In my opinion, this sentence lacks something or the first put should be something as came ?

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Morgan Kane
      Not bad, a good way to introduce a problematic.



      In my opinion, this sentence lacks something or the first put should be something as came ?

      I can see how that would sound right in one's mind, but when it hit's paper, I see what Moran Kane is thinking.

      Other than that, it reads ok to me. (I am no expert,of course.)

      I feel it is good and I hope you keep it going!

      Azarain is close to our friend Azariel. hehe

      Good names , those ones that start with Az!

      "With a deep, not-unhappy sigh, Elric prepared to do battle with an army." (Red Pearls)
      - Michael Moorcock

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks guys. It's certainly tricky to make it sound naturalistic - I wasn't sure about that one when I put it down, but as you point it out it does sound like something the narrator would say, not the main character.

        Especially considering this event would have been a major part of his experience, he probably would be more subjective about it (and rather more bitter).
        Batman: It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.

        Robin: Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes!

        Comment


        • #5
          This seems fine to me DC.

          Learning how to add 'texture' and distinction between the characters in dialogue is probably somethign which gets developed over time by practice and observation. In my own story for instance you've helped me understand I was in part using the character banter to introduce backstory too much in a way that made the characters 'personality neutral' so to speak. Or they are perhaps taking on the role of impromptu narrator rather than being themselves.

          One way perhaps of testing ones faithfulness to character is to experiment with writing characters that are similar to people you know well in real life. What diction and syntax would they use. What would they really say in a given circumstance, would they allow themselves to become (in the case of my story) impromptu spokespersons for the backstory.

          It can sometimes help if the characters embody different attitudes to the matter of the main theme, that can help give them distinction, along with any notable traits or quirks they have. But if they exist soley to embody those viewpoints or attitudes they can end up as cyphers, so they have to also be self-determining independent and rounded.

          Perhaps the question to ask is 'are the characters being 'themselves' and speaking appropriately?'

          Comment


          • #6
            I think my main character needs work - I have a conception of him in mind, which is based a little on a certain of myself, but it's hard to tap into sometimes.

            Outside of this story, the character is living desperately
            in a world that is not his own, and which he deeply resents. The character is also racist (in this context) - he considers himself to superior to 'human peasants'. The irony of course - is that the Azarain in the story are themselves basically human - I liked the idea of human genetic engineering influencing their evolution.

            Someone suggested once doing character biographies - but I'm not sure if that would work for me. For one thing, it is itself a lot of work - and for another I'm not sure how useful it would be. I'm of the opinion that action defines character (to a large extent) - though certainly it does pay to be familiar with your characters history as a way of knowing what he would say, and how he might act in given situations.
            Batman: It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.

            Robin: Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes!

            Comment


            • #7
              Ultimately the only way to get a feel for dialogue is to actually write it and see how it comes out. I think the extract here is excellently in keeping for a talk between two representatives of ancient cultures whose time is past, and whose old grudges have dwindled but not entirely passed.

              I also thought your previous exchange between the old emperor and the exiled noble was effective too. It had the sense of explaining more than the actual words of the dialogue, if you get my drift.

              Look forward to seeing this in context with the rest of the tale.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Grey Mouser
                Ultimately the only way to get a feel for dialogue is to actually write it and see how it comes out. I think the extract here is excellently in keeping for a talk between two representatives of ancient cultures whose time is past, and whose old grudges have dwindled but not entirely passed.

                I also thought your previous exchange between the old emperor and the exiled noble was effective too. It had the sense of explaining more than the actual words of the dialogue, if you get my drift.

                Look forward to seeing this in context with the rest of the tale.
                Thanks Mouser - I should be ready to post part 2 fairly soon. I'm starting not exactly to lose interest in my story but am having a hard time figuring out what (if anything) going on dramatically. I've an idea how to introduce some dramatic tension between characters fairly soon, but am concerned that the story itself is spiralling out of control.

                I'm on target with the word count at least… Anyway - you guys can tell me what you think.

                I need to speed up my writing - not that I'm trying to compete with Mike or REH, but I'm way behind 2000 words a day. 200 it seems is a struggle…
                It just illustrates how deceptively difficult this is. I know I can write well - or "adequately" I should say, but actually writing well and telling a story is a whole different kettle of fish..
                Batman: It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.

                Robin: Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Part 2 is now posted. Definitely will need a rewrite...

                  http://www.multiverse.org/fora/showt...?t=3615&page=2
                  Batman: It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.

                  Robin: Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes!

                  Comment

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