A Text of Mine (I)

[RitaMaria]

Hello, folks! :)

This is a little text of mine. I would love to hear your opinions.
Oh, forgive me some eventual mistakes: my original language is portuguese not english.

Rita Maria Felix da Silva.

ABOUT THE WOLF'S NATURE
By Rita Maria Felix da Silva

" I swear I will eat any sheep never more.", said the wolf, while tears start to flee from his eyes and the repetance of a whole savage and voracious life, combined to the more than acute sincerity of those words, afflicted his heart and ripped its spirit.
He looked at the dog and after at the sheep and, shamed, ran away into a near deep cavern, where he longed the darkness and the isolation could alleviate that pain (so new and so cruel) which have come from a place called "conscience", the thing that had chosen to torment the wolf.
The dog, who had protected the flock of sheeps during more years than he would know to count, watched his former enemy to escape defeated. The dog savoured every particle of that victory, after all, since the dogs walk on the world, never before one had succeded to persuade a wolf to quit eating sheeps. Exultant, he hurried itself to run and to spread the news for the others dogs.
The sheep, however, for whom the gods had given advanced age - and a great understanding about the things in this world - took care to keep out from that place before the wolf's hunger was back...

[Talisant]

RitaMaria, I enjoyed your fable. :up:

I offer the following observations with no slights intended,
but rather, in goodwill as a fellow forum member.


had or has would probably read better in English than the have in: ...alleviate that pain (so new and so cruel) which have come from a place
and ...the thing that have chosen to torment the wolf.

the word yourself in not really necessary or would at least read a little better as himself in ...Exultant, he hurried yourself to run and to spread the news for the others dogs.

for who should probably read to whom in: ...The sheep, however, for who the gods had given advanced age -

Your English is light years ahead of my Portugese.
best wishes, talisant

[RitaMaria]

RitaMaria, I enjoyed your fable. :up:

I offer the following observations with no slights intended,
but rather, in goodwill as a fellow forum member.


had or has would probably read better in English than the have in: ...alleviate that pain (so new and so cruel) which have come from a place
and ...the thing that have chosen to torment the wolf.

the word yourself in not really necessary or would at least read a little better as himself in ...Exultant, he hurried yourself to run and to spread the news for the others dogs.

for who should probably read to whom in: ...The sheep, however, for who the gods had given advanced age -

Your English is light years ahead of my Portuguese.
best wishes, talisant

Talisant,

Thank you very much for your commentaries and orientations.
"have", "yourself" (instead "had" and "himself") was typewrong and "absent-mind actions". I already have corrected them. About "who", it was an option to "humanize" the character, like it occurs at fables. For this reason, I have thought "himself", but I have changed to "itself"