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A poetic experiment

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  • A poetic experiment

    This is an attempt at a modern, flow of consciousness, style poem that I was experimenting with. I would appreciate constructive criticism and comments. I haven't worked much with this style, so I am not completely comfortable with it and would appreciate anything that would help me to improve.

    "Runner's High"

    Running, plodding,
    Feet pounding,
    So slow,
    Not far left to go,
    Teammates cheering,
    Coach yelling,
    Almost done,
    Start going,
    Faster, faster, faster,
    Sprinting, gliding,
    Soaring, flying,
    Over wet grass,
    Heart pounding
    In ears,
    Breath rasping
    In throat,
    Can't hear
    Anything else,
    Feet stop hurting,
    Running so fast,
    Exhilarating!

    S. Ombre

  • #2
    Hello,

    Hmmm, reminds me of something, that I can't put my finger on. :)

    I don't know anything about that style.

    I hate to say it, but that stlyle sounds like something I would read in a magazine add. :oops:

    I somewhat see where you are going with it. I think it could work.

    Was it supposed to stand alone, or continue? I think it would work the have poems like this scattered around in a novel.

    Don't take me too seriously though, I never understood poetry, I only liked Kipling's poems and some I saw in fiction books. :D

    I hope this helped and not discouraged you.

    It was just my first impression.

    Good Luck,

    -Lemec

    "With a deep, not-unhappy sigh, Elric prepared to do battle with an army." (Red Pearls)
    - Michael Moorcock

    Comment


    • #3
      As the lines are pretty short,
      due to the runner's haste
      and inhaling
      and exhaling
      Motorola and Nokia
      should pounce on it
      and award you with
      The 2005 Cellphone Screen
      Compatibility Award.

      I like it. What would a Diver's sensations feel like and how would the bubbles and the pressure influence the metrics?.
      Google ergo sum

      Comment


      • #4
        Thank you lemec and LEtranger. This was intended to be a piece for my school's literary magazine, but I'll only submit it if I can clean it up a little. The piece was written based on my experiences with running cross country. As LEtranger pointed out, the lines are pretty short, this was again intentional and was an attempt at recreating some of the sensations that are experienced at the end of a race.

        I don't think that I could write a poem about a diver, or many other sports for that matter, since the only sports that I do are Track and Field, Tae Kwon Do, and Cross Country (and I used to play basket ball). I'd be interested if someone else wanted to give it a try though.

        Motorola and Nokia
        should pounce on it
        and award you with
        The 2005 Cellphone Screen
        Compatibility Award.
        I don't think that a cell phone company would award me anything, especially since i don't have a cell phone (and don't want one).

        S. Ombre

        Comment


        • #5
          S_Ombre wrote:
          The piece was written based on my experiences with running cross country. As LEtranger pointed out, the lines are pretty short, this was again intentional and was an attempt at recreating some of the sensations that are experienced at the end of a race.
          That's cool. It always makes it better if you actually lived the subject of your poem or story. 8)

          I am catching on to the style now. That should work out for you.

          :clap: I can imagine it more the second time around, I may have scanned it too swiftly before.

          "With a deep, not-unhappy sigh, Elric prepared to do battle with an army." (Red Pearls)
          - Michael Moorcock

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by S_Ombre
            ... the lines are pretty short, this was again intentional and was an attempt at recreating some of the sensations that are experienced at the end of a race.
            And you managed to get this across pretty well!

            Originally posted by S_Ombre
            Motorola and Nokia
            should pounce on it
            and award you with
            The 2005 Cellphone Screen
            Compatibility Award.
            I don't think that a cell phone company would award me anything, ...
            I was merely pulling your leg a little, while of course, the short lines are ideal for short messages that many of your age group use more often than speaking with each other !

            Originally posted by S_Ombre
            especially since i don't have a cell phone (and don't want one).
            Honi soit qui mal y pense!
            Google ergo sum

            Comment


            • #7
              This is interesting. I like to experiment with different styles a lot, and I think here you really capture the thrill of the race with all these techniques the other guys have mentioned. Cool stuff.

              Comment


              • #8
                Thanks all!

                Is there anything that anyone thinks might need some editing? It would be nice to know soon because I think that I'll submit this to my school's literary magasine on Monday.

                S. Ombre

                Comment


                • #9
                  yes. you captured a cadence and a feel. i would only add a little tension. something that makes the reader feel that they believe YOU are in the struggle.

                  as a fan of Iron Maiden i can only, helplessly, suggest the lyrics to "Lonliness of the Long Distance Runner". first thing that sprang to my mind.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Thanks Poetgrrl, I'll see if I can add something to the middle of the poem to make it work a little better. I appreciate all the positive comments that i have recieved on this peice, especially since it is not in a style that I'm used to working in.

                    S. Ombre

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      S.Ombre,
                      somebody left you a message for today:
                      [broken link]
                      Last edited by Rothgo; 04-09-2010, 06:01 AM.
                      Google ergo sum

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Thanks LEtranger!

                        S. Ombre

                        Comment

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