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JC Story...

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  • JC Story...

    Thanks to all the excitement over PX, I've been trying to get writing. I have a few ideas I've been working on, but being rather out of practice, I thought I'd warm up with a Jerry Cornelius story. Apologies to Mike for stealing his characters and ideas: it's an homage :oops:
    A JC story is not the sort of thing I'd usually write, but manmiles's Collaborative Story of Doom ([broken link]) gave me the prod to give it a go. :) Being very much an amateur, any comments would be most gratefully received! :D

    CFC




    INTERNET GEOMETRIES, SMALL WORLDS, QCD AND DISORDERED SYSTEMS
    DR. JEREMIAH CORNELIUS (DECEASED)

    FIGURE 1.1:
    WORLD’S TOP LIBRARIES JUST A CLICK AWAY

    A global virtual library is one step nearer today after Google, the internet search group, announced it is working on a project to digitally scan the collections at seven libraries and make them available online.

    Access to some of the world's best research sources, including Oxford University, will be free and fully searchable.

    California-based Google said it would help scan the entire collections of the libraries at the University of Michigan and Stanford University. It also is undertaking pilot programmes at a number of other institutions including Oxford University, Harvard and the New York Public Library.

    'The goal of the project is to unlock the wealth of information that is offline and bring it online,' Susan Wojcicki, director of product management at Google, said.

    By Andrew Ellson, Times Online
    14/12/2004

    FIGURE 1.2:
    YOUR MEMBERSHIP IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE

    Otto Burns
    Tattooer
    CytoGenomics, Chesterfield - 63005 أ¢â‚¬â€œ 1136, United States of America
    Phone: 415-291-6944
    Mobile: 164-681-7768
    Email: [email protected]

    please do not reply to this message

    This file is a 62 second complementary package

    NOTES:
    The contents of this connection is for usage and should not be southwestern stratford
    prophesy bartlett powder

    THEOREM 1.3:

    Jerry turned up the volume on the car stereo. The station was playing Bob Calvert’s latest tune, the Status Quo remix of ‘Ned Ludd’. Jerry grinned. He had personally voted for Calvert when he had become the first posthumous Pop Idol last February. EMI had thawed out the Quo specially to mix Calvert’s latest album. Luckily they put them straight back in the freezer again afterwards. The world was still not ready for that particular comeback tour, yet.

    The Rolls swept on along the dusty freeway, the silver tip of a red cloud, thundering across the desert. A small, shiny speck on the sands slowly grew, until it resembled an ice-cream stall. The proprietor was tall, grey-haired and dressed in cowboy gear; a shotgun sat gawkily in his left hand. A bucket and spade lolled on the sand. Jerry slowed the car to regard the cowboy’s small kingdom. Bishop Beesley awoke with a start.

    ‘Are we in Jerusalem yet?’

    Jerry ignored him. The cowboy hailed them from the side of the road, waving a wooden stick.

    ‘Howdy, friend. Candyfloss?’

    Suddenly, Jerry grimaced and forced his foot to the floor. The Rolls sped away, leaving the cowboy coughing amidst a cloud of red dust.

    ‘Mirage?’, enquired Bishop Beesley, glancing in the wing-mirror.

    ‘No. I’m trying to give up,’ said Jerry, not looking back. The Bishop sighed, sympathetically.

    FIGURE 2.1:
    BNP LEADER HELD IN RACE HATE INQUIRY

    Nick Griffin, the leader of the British National party, was today arrested on suspicion of incitement to commit racial hatred following a television investigation about the extent of racism in the organisation.

    A BBC documentary, Secret Agent, screened in July, featured covertly-filmed footage showing BNP activists confessing to race-hate crimes and party leader Mr Griffin condemning Islam as a "vicious, wicked faith".

    A BNP spokesman said four non-uniformed police officers arrested Mr Griffin at his farmhouse in mid-Wales and he was currently being taken to a station in West Yorkshire.

    'He is believed to have been arrested on suspicion of incitement to commit racial hatred,' the spokesman said.

    Press Association, Guardian online
    14/12/2004

    FIGURE 2.2:
    MET RACE INQUIRY FINDS ‘SERIOUS DISCRIMINATION’

    Black and ethnic minority officers in the Metropolitan police face serious discrimination in the way their conduct is managed, an independent inquiry into alleged racism in the force found today.

    The inquiry, chaired by Sir Bill Morris, called for radical and urgent change in ‘discriminatory’ management practices. It expressed concern that there was no common understanding of diversity within the force, and that diversity remained ‘at worst a source of fear and anxiety, and at best a process of ticking boxes.’

    The deputy commissioner, Sir Ian Blair, said: ‘Despite the continuing modernisation of the Met, we do recognise that we have a way to go to build an organisation where everyone feels comfortable’

    The mayor of London, Ken Livingstone, said there was ‘continuing racism in the police, as there is in every other institution.’

    The home office minister Hazel Blears said: ‘The Metropolitan police service's constructive engagement with the inquiry is a very positive sign for the future.’

    James Sturcke and agencies
    14/12/2004


    THEOREM 2.3:

    Kensington was a mess. Jerry reflected that those MCC militants had probably been on the rampage again - but not after dusk. Long enough to wreck the damn place, though.

    ‘Did you see the score at the Oval yesterday, Bishop?’, Jerry asked.

    ‘Six hundred and sixty-six, I believe. A bad omen.’

    ‘Too bloody right. There go the Ashes again. All out, was it?’

    ‘Yes. I had to fill in as umpire for the last over. Some daft bastard at square leg gave himself a heart-attack hopping about. Something about sextuple Nelson, I believe.’

    Jerry smiled,

    ‘Yes, I’m sure. The Four Horsemen were checking their tackle, no doubt? Did they have to move the sight-screen? Time for one more over, eh?’

    ‘I don’t follow, my boy. At least we can hope for rain.’

    ‘Oh yes, there’s always hope, Bishop.’

    Jerry watched as something fluttered down into the street from the top storey of a burnt-out tower block. Just as they turned the corner, Jerry fancied he caught a glint of gold.

    COROLLARY 2.4:

    Jerry stood at a discreet distance from the table, humming a tune of his own devising, evidently to the annoyance of the three people seated around the dinner spread. Beesley played casually with the shellfish on his plate. With only the mildest of interest, he began to dissect the creature with his stainless steel knife. From across the table, which now resembled some battlefield, eyes regarded him uncomprehendingly. One of the women managed, through a mouthful of chocolate cake,

    ‘Are you insane, Bishop?’

    ‘Ah!’, Beesley smiled, a thin crescent spreading slowly across the lower part of his face. Delicately he sliced off an appendage from his crustacean. ‘There have always been those that would stand in the way of progress. Those sub-humans, for whom curiosity is a curse. They cower behind the edifices of the past, and yet refuse to accept the monuments of the future.’

    Jerry could see that Beesley was losing them. This whole thing was a bad idea. The older woman, Wilma, was staring malevolently at some speck in the middle distance. The girl, Toni, had developed a fixed grin. Running his hand through his thinning hair, the Bishop sighed. He clapped his hands together loudly, startling the crone out of her trance.

    ‘The point is, my dears, that some people refuse to evolve. They paddle happily in some stagnant backwater, while the streams of destiny gurgle merrily by. In their mindless envy, they can lash out. It is vital that such savages are not permitted to hobble the ascent of man. Fate must not be denied.’

    The old woman had a rheumy, glazed look in her grey-green eyes. Beesley reached forward, and gently touched her on her shoulder.

    ‘The youth of today, eh, ma’am? No respect for their elders, what?’

    Jerry produced a stick of candyfloss from his greatcoat, and began to strip the sugary membrane from it. Perhaps it was time to ditch the Bishop, after all.

    FIGURE 3.1:
    MICROSOFT LAUNCHES DESKTOP RIVAL TO GOOGLE

    The battle for search-technology supremacy extended to new front today when Microsoft launched a tool for finding files stored on personal computers.

    The software giant is the second company to launch a desktop search tool after Google released its version in October. Google hopes that its early position will confer an advantage in an increasingly crowded marketplace. Last week Yahoo! said its would launch a similar service in January and Ask Jeeves, another search provider, said that it would launch its own product later this week.

    Microsoft and Google have made their desktop search tools available as free downloads; the technology is seen as a way of attracting more users to other money-making search services.

    ‘Our ambition for search is to provide the ultimate information tool that can find anything you're looking for,’ Yusuf Mehdi, corporate vice president at the software giant's MSN Internet division said.

    Andrew Ellson and Rhys Blakely, Times Online
    14/12/2004

    FIGURE 3.2:
    4.6 MILLION UK EMAIL ADDRESSES - آ£19.95

    UK EMAIL DATABASE just آ£19.95 inc. p&p and contains:

    4,600,000 VALIDATED UK email addresses - Verified in August
    2004, ensuring a low failure rate and only used privately.

    TO PURCHASE: Please send a Cheque/PO to:

    Unbelievable Secrets
    Unit 716,
    78 Marylebone High Street,
    London W1U 5AP

    The CD will be sent by first class post and you will also receive
    FREE bulk email software to send 30,000+ emails per hour.

    CONJECTURE 3.3:

    The game was going badly. Jerry had tried all his old tricks, but things had gone from bad to worse. Had Beesley been training the two women, or were they naturals? Jerry had ended up sleeping rough in Old Kent Road, after his hotel on Park Lane had been fire-bombed. Toni had managed to get a law passed to evict Jerry, and deport him. Wilma’s armies were massing in Oxford Street, ready to sweep into Leicester Square. The Bishop was nowhere to be found.

    Jerry was forced to play his final Random Factor. By the time George and Toni had finished squabbling over whose pieces were whose, and the board was back on the table, Jerry had left. He was easily bored.

    THEOREM 3.4:

    Jerry glanced down from the cockpit of the helicopter. He could see the pall of black smoke still hanging above Park Lane, as the helicopter banked, turning north.

    ‘Nice chopper, Miss Brunner.’

    ‘It takes two to tango, Mr Cornelius.’

    ‘Are you asking for a dance?’

    ‘Now that, Mr Cornelius, would be telling.’

    Jerry had cheered up considerably since he had spotted Miss Brunner amongst the household goods section of Sainsbury’s. She had been stuffing bottles of bleach into her fur-trimmed raincoat. Jerry had pretended to be a store detective. Miss Brunner had pretended to be very annoyed.

    ‘It was a shame about the Bishop, Mr Cornelius.’

    ‘Oh, I don’t think so.’

    Miss Brunner made a sudden adjustment to the controls, and Jerry felt himself and his stomach part company. The sun was setting over London, and a red glow illuminated the city. Jerry glanced over his shoulder at the two figures bound and gagged in the rear seats. He waved, cheerfully.

    Looking down to the city below, Jerry had a sudden flash of clarity.

    ‘Last time I was in Hammersmith they crucified me. The time before that was something of an epiphany.’

    FIGURE 4.1:
    QUO PARFITT QUITS ALCOHOL

    Status Quo guitarist Rick Parfitt has given up alcohol for good because his excessive drinking made him forget the chords to the band's songs. The Marguerita Time hitmaker, 56, admits years of boozing have finally taken their toll and are seriously affecting his playing.
    He says,
    ‘I'd have a beer at midday then move on to vodka. I was getting on stage and having a drink.
    ‘I kept forgetting the lines to songs and the chords too. It started to frighten me a bit. I'd stop drinking for a couple of days and start shaking.
    ‘Now I go out and I just drink water.’

    http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlf...uits%20alcohol
    23/08/2005

    FIGURE 4.2:
    GEOMETRY PROBLEM OF THE WEEK

    This theorem says that if two chords intersect, the product of the lengths of the segments of one chord is equal to the product of the lengths of the segments of the other. Very handy for this problem, and you don't even have to know or assume that the chords are perpendicular.

    http://www.bgtulln.ac.at/~dorfmayr/w.../kite_plan.htm
    23/11/1998

    LEMMA 4.3:

    ‘Do you believe in mathematics, Mr. Cornelius?’

    Jerry heard Miss Brunner's voice, but just couldn't get her angle. Jerry was never one for protracted debate.

    ‘How about a drink?’

    Jerry parked the Rolls and helped Miss Brunner out. The old girl was looking a bit unsteady. She drew her fur coat tighter around her shoulders and shivered. As they approached the bar, a High Court judge in mud-soiled robes swore at them. Jerry ducked, instinctively. His reflexes had returned. Jerry smiled and patted Miss Brunner's arm.

    ‘Mine's a double.’

    In the smoky gloom, the muzak system played Spirit of the Age. Jerry found it strangely familiar.

    ‘One more for the road?’
    Last edited by Rothgo; 04-08-2010, 11:18 AM.
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