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A Poem of me

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  • A Poem of me

    Hi!

    The following poem is of me and non relationed to Mikeآ´s Universe.
    I would love to know/read your opinions about this poem.
    Oh, forgive some eventual mistake: my original language is portuguese, non english.

    Multiversally thankful,
    Rita.

    SONG FOR CASSIMIR
    Lyrics by Rita Maria Felix da Silva

    Oh, noble warrior,
    I lament your fate...

    Where are your gods
    that abandon you?
    And where were my gods
    that didn’t protect you for me?

    Oh, noble warrior,
    I curse your fate...

    You, who were so great,
    pride for your people,
    fell down without mercy
    by enemies’ hands
    in this strange land
    in dishonorable death...

    Oh, noble warrior,
    I cry for your fate...

    Never your son will be born,
    ends here your lineage....

    Who will sing your name?
    Who will tell your deeds?
    If not even you’ll be remembered...

    Oh, noble warrior,
    I blaspheme for your fate...

    My chant blemishes the wind
    and soon is dissipated....
    Of it nothing more will remain,
    Like nothing more remains of you....

    However, oh noble warrior,
    in Death’s Kingdom,
    keep my words,
    and remember I suffer for you...

  • #2
    ooooh... i like this part:
    And where were my gods
    that didn’t protect you for me?
    Really good feeling to this one. I know what you mean. Thank you for sharing!

    Comment


    • #3
      Rita,

      Interesting diction. I'm reminded of some other writers. Is this a translation from Portugese?
      I ask, because it doesn't follow English models, but it has a kind of logic to it.

      The rhythm and phrasing remind me of some writers I like, specifically Neruda to Montale.

      There are a few very minor grammatical mistakes, but those don't matter much here. If you are curious we can point them out; if not, we'll simply accept your work as it is.

      Thanks!

      You are welcome to participate in our verse games, too, if you like.

      LSN

      Comment


      • #4
        Yeah, I like it a lot--especially the last verse. Your English is very good by the way :)

        Comment


        • #5
          In a way, it could have been about Elric... or Eternal Champions in general. But, it really is very good. I agree with Poetgrrrl about the "gods" line, and also the verse about, "My chant blemishes the wind...". It's all very atmospheric. If it were set to music, I know I'd be getting a chill towards the end.

          I also find your contributions to the Q&A threads most poetic. Thank you for contributing! :)

          PS. Also, if anyone ever organises a MWM convention, I think it should be called "Multiversally Thankful".
          "That which does not kill us, makes us stranger." - Trevor Goodchild

          Comment


          • #6
            Superb poem Rita Maria!

            Comment


            • #7
              I am a poor judge of poetry and so little of it pleases me. But I do know what I like in poetry, and it's something dense and not too sentimental. Though this is steeped with sentimentality, the voice is pleasing to my mind's ears. Sometimes what you need is a drink of sadness to remind you that there is a great many things to be happy about.

              Leaving a loved one behind to grieve seems to be one of the saddest ends to any story. I feel that I need to hold tighter to those I love when I feel this way.
              The cat spread its wings and flew high into the air, hovering to keep pace with them as they moved cautiously toward the city. Then, as they climbed over the rubble of what had once been a gateway and began to make their way through piles of weed-grown masonry, the cat flew to the squat building with the yellow dome upon its roof. It flew twice around the dome and then came back to settle on Jhary's shoulder. - The King of the Swords

              Comment


              • #8
                Nice poem, thanks for sharing. :)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Very well done, RitaMaria!

                  Forgive me if I'm wrong, but might this poem be about Casimir Pulaski, the great Polish count who fought so bravely for America at Brandywine in 1777 and died so valiantly in 1779?

                  Even if not, it is a wonderful tribute. As Dee says, it could easily be about the Eternal Champion. Maybe Casimir was an incarnation of the EC?

                  Anyway, splendid poem. Keep it up.
                  "Wounds are all I'm made of. Did I hear you say that this is victory?"
                  --Michael Moorcock, Veteran of the Psychic Wars

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: A Poem of me

                    Hi, I am Aventureiro_SP, friend of Rita. She is with problems of connection, but she will be back soon.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Poetgrrl
                      ooooh... i like this part:
                      And where were my gods
                      that didn’t protect you for me?
                      Really good feeling to this one. I know what you mean. Thank you for sharing!
                      Poetf]grrl,

                      I like this part very much too. I am glad because you understand the meaning of this poem. Thanks.
                      Rita.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by L_Stearns_Newburg
                        Rita,

                        Interesting diction. I'm reminded of some other writers. Is this a translation from Portugese?
                        I ask, because it doesn't follow English models, but it has a kind of logic to it.

                        The rhythm and phrasing remind me of some writers I like, specifically Neruda to Montale.

                        There are a few very minor grammatical mistakes, but those don't matter much here. If you are curious we can point them out; if not, we'll simply accept your work as it is.

                        Thanks!

                        You are welcome to participate in our verse games, too, if you like.

                        LSN
                        L_Stearns,
                        Thanks.
                        Yes, This poem is a translation from the my poem in portuguese "Ode para Cassimir".
                        Unhappily, I do not know Montale, but you compare me to Neruda makes me very honored! Thank you very much!
                        Ever have you heard about that story of Caesar entering in Roma and the slave that he put to whisper in his ears? Thinking about this story I say:
                        Yes, I am very curious about this grammatical mistakes and I would like to know them because this way I can improve this english version. Please, you and all want, could send to me your corrections in [email protected]? I will be eternally thankful.
                        I thanks your invitation and I accept it.

                        Multiversally Thankful,
                        Rita.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Marc
                          Yeah, I like it a lot--especially the last verse. Your English is very good by the way :)
                          Thanks, Marc.
                          I am very glad because you have liked my poem.
                          Rita.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: A Poem of me

                            Originally posted by Aventureiro_SP
                            Hi, I am Aventureiro_SP, friend of Rita. She is with problems of connection, but she will be back soon.
                            Hi,

                            "Aventureiro" means adventurer in Portuguese, the language spoken in Brazil. SP is the short form to "Sأ£o Paulo", the capital of the State of "Sأ£o Paulo", the big and main city in Brazil, something like New York for us, brazilians. A literal translation to "Sأ£o Paulo" is Saint Paul.
                            Aventureiro_SP is a friend of me I have met in Mirc.
                            Yes, I continue with connection problem. To be in this forum today I am using a cybercafe. I hope can resolve this soon.
                            Rita.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by RitaMaria

                              Thanks.
                              Yes, This poem is a translation from the my poem in portuguese "Ode para Cassimir".
                              Thank you for the pointer. I looked up the portugese text of your verses, so I can compare them to the translation. Very nice work, by the way.

                              Originally posted by RitaMaria
                              Unhappily, I do not know Montale, but you compare me to Neruda makes very honored! Thank you very much!
                              It's mostly in the diction that I notice similarities with Neruda. I'm thinking primarily of Los versos del Capitأ،n, and Veinte poemas de amor y una canciأ³n desesperada. For those who haven't read him, they should check out his work. A very great poet. We should all write so well.

                              As for Montale, he's Italian, of course, and a major poet. You might enjoy his work, if you can read Italian well enough.

                              What do you think of Fernando Pessoa?

                              We speakers of Latin-languages need to stick together. :lol:

                              Originally posted by RitaMaria
                              Ever have you heard about that story of Caesar entering in Roma and the slave that he put to whisper in his ears? Thinking about this story I say:
                              Yes, I am very curious about this grammatical mistakes and I would like to know them because this way I can improve this english version. Please, you and all want, could send to me your corrections in [email protected]? I will be eternally thankful.
                              I can send it in e-mail, but posting it here a little at a time won't hurt, and permits others, far better than me in Portugese or Spanish (mordenkainen? L'Etranger?) to comment on the lamentable state of my erudition.

                              Let's look at one stanza. This one:

                              Originally posted by RitaMaria
                              You, who was so great,
                              pride for your people,
                              fall down merciless
                              by enemies’ hands
                              in this strange land
                              in dishonourous death...
                              I understand what you are saying, but there are a few minor mistakes in the agreement of the verb, and the meaning is somewhat murky.

                              Going to your Portugese original, we see what you intended:

                              Originally posted by RitaMaria en portugais
                              Tu, que tanto fostes,
                              orgulho para teu povo,
                              tombas sem piedade,
                              por mأ£os de inimigos,
                              nesta terra estranha,
                              em morte desonrosa...
                              I would render this in English as below, following your version as closely as possible:

                              Originally posted by LSN messing with RitaMaria's text
                              You, who were so great,
                              the pride of your people,
                              felled without mercy
                              by enemies’ hands
                              in this strange* land
                              in dishonourable death...


                              * (I assume you mean both "strange" and "foreign" by "estranha")
                              Feel free to ignore my tampering. Nos amis mordenkainen et L'Etrange peuvent me corriger, si je me suis trompأ©.

                              A curious thing. I'm a francophone, but I never learned Spanish. I can read it with a dictionary, and I can understand a small amount of spoken Spanish. I for some reason have less trouble understanding (written or spoken) Portugese. I'm not sure why this is true. :?

                              LSN

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